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Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in thisredemption's LiveJournal:

Sunday, June 15th, 2008
5:37 pm
sketchy behavior by yours truly
i'm drinking a beer that has been sitting on my floor for 3+ months with a born on date of december 07. on ice.

yesterday dan and i were reading by the river and there was this probably 20 year old kid in his suv talking on his cell for like 45 mins and i said i bet he could hook me up, i wanted adderol. dan dared me to go up and ask him, even though he was on the phone. thinking i wouldnt do. SO i walked all the way over and said hey do you have a sec and he told the person to hold on a sec and i said "hey, my guy fell through, do you know where i could get any addy or yay?" he said no but i won because i got major props and have big balls hanging near my girl parts. i bet he did have connections and just figured that it would be dumb to say yes to a stranger. maybe if i hadnt been with a boy though... its sooo much easier then.

i may be a complete asshole. i found a secret stash but im not sure if the person to whom it belongs remembers it and the lines are so tiny already it was bitter but i dont know what it was. so i took the smallest sniff off the end of each teensy line, you cant even tell. holy hell, i do know that this makes me hella sketchy. but fuck i am broke from putting all my money up my nose and id buy more but i cant find it and i am actually not able to pay all my bills so my car payment must be late again and im not sure when i can register my car god damn i should not say this here but people say things here its okay no one is legal. okay some people are but the ppl who can see this i trust or know wont care. its my existential crisis' fault

i HAVE to pay off bills and start saving money.
Thursday, January 24th, 2008
4:25 am
chewy spree: 220
3:35 am
calorie count or attempt at it
tall nonfat w/ whip pumpkin spice latte: 220
iced triple grande skinny mocha: 160
iced grande coffee w/ 2 pumps white mocha: 100?
2 cups coffee w/ tons of sugar and one ounce of cream: 460-ish
2 poptarts: 400
1 cup spanish rice: 220
2 cups rotini: 440?
2 pepermint patties:80?
parmesan cheese (a lot):140 (low-ball?)

total: 2,220 (wow, i drink too much coffee/lattes!)

bmi: 17.7

holy hell, my healthy weight range is from 104-141!!! i'd die if i weighed 141. no offense, im about 5'3"
Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
8:09 pm
hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love (fiona apple)
so after two months without my medication, i refilled my script today and have begun taking it.
the zombie effect has been taking over for the last 3 days. people would talk to me and i could think of responses and i thought plenty but it was too much effort to speak. today at work i felt the same way but had to force myself and i kept stumbling over my words and just giving up midsentence sometimes. and i talked too quietly for most ppl though i was overly sweet-toned to make up for it. also there was this 2 hour period where i literally felt drugged. my lids were heavy and i was slowed down even more than i have been already and when i moved my head it seemed like everything shifted in slow motion. it was weird because i had definitely not done any drugs and i haven't even been drinking in 3 days. my thinking has been shit for a few weeks anyway and then seeing the other effects begin i know that it doesnt get better from there so back to risperdal it is.

also. i need to stop eating so much and lose some weight. i was going to kind of fast but the ris. makes me sooo ravenous. plus it makes my blood sugar high so i gain weight even more. actually those are probably good reasons to fast... i do better if i just avoid food altogether because if i eat one thing it leads to everything.

112 lbs./9pm
blood pressure:133/81 (just for fun while i waited for my script to be filled. slightly low)

i took a shower finally. it had been since saturday and today is weds.
Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
11:23 pm
its been ages
im waiting for my boyfriend to go on a beer run with me. i need beer because i hate my job and i probably hate jobs period but i have to have one and i have to work a lot.
i want my life simplified but it seems that the lowest common denominator is fairly large no matter what. car needed for job needed for rent etc. etc. etc. and i waste a lot on smoking but i cant imagine being able to quit.
im seriously considering being a stripper part time to get out of the 40 shitty hours a week asshole jobs that demand cult like devotion and never stopping and always smiling.
Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
3:25 am
The only study ever published on the subject of bras and sagging was done in 1991, in Japan. The study suggests that a bra can actually increase breast sagging rather than the opposite. The abstract says (emphasis mine):

"Eleven adult female subjects aged 22-39 years wore a certain brassiere for 3 months while anthropometry and moire fringe photographs on the anterior trunk were taken regularly once a week. After the 3 months, the brassiere was not worn for another 3 months. Then the measurements and photogrammetry were repeated for comparison using superimposed moire configurations. The results are summarized as follows. Regardless of slim or obese trunk, subjects with pendent breasts showed the highest degree of breast form "correction" from wearing the brassiere. In all subjects, after 3 months of brassiere constraint, the underbust circumference was smaller but the chest circumference became enlarged, the distance between the right and left nipples became wider, and the breasts tended to hang down. This change was more marked in obese subjects with pendent breasts. And when this type of subject wore a "well-fitted" brassiere for a long time, her breast form became developed, that is, her breasts hung down more."
Ashizawa K, Sugane A, Gunji T Institute of Human Living Sciences, Otsuma Women's University, Tokyo, Japan: Breast Form Changes Resulting From A Certain Brassiere Journal of Hum. Ergol.(Tokyo) 1990 Jun; 19(1):53-62.

Im considering bralessness because of this. But then. maybe the difference will not be noticeable and my lil boobs do look oh so much better in a bra. but anyway. i won't have to feel guilty when i wear tank tops with lil shelves and no bra. or if i wear no bra at all just because. i actually hate my boobs though. like without a bra i hate them. so thats too bad.

my ex got online tonight at almost 3 am and started talking to me. and i ended up taking a few pics for him, 2 bra shots and one topless. he apparently really like em cos he said ..wow.. "my name" and thanks and said now he might just dream and went off to bed. but.. eh. time to smoke.
2:04 am
Well, okay. I decided that I wanted to have a journal that no one I know knows about so that I can write about certain things (bulimia and cutting) join communities like that if i want to. whatever.
I've been puking more lately. I tried to quit and I pretty much have. Like I didn't do it from like May to October i think!! thats a long time. and when i do do it, since i try not to do it it is usually once and then a long time before i do it again. i guess its been 3 times within a month this time though. i think. a month;s time that is, not 3 times in jan. thats kid of a lot for me since i "quit" but i kind of go in stages where i startdoingit a little more. but i dont let it go too far. like... this should be it. because i know ive already done enough damage and i dont want to domore especially because this infrequently it basically does nothing weight wise it just damages you.
even still i feel sooo relieved now that i did it. like a big sigh of relief. andokay,im going to be completely honest and gross in this thing .. soyeah. i feel good because i threwup a lot and it was so easy,even easier than usual this time which i didnt expect. and i got a lot out which is key. i hate it when im rushed andi get practically nothing out. what a waste. i even got some salad from 4hours ago so i think i got it prettywell. i didnt even know itd still be there. but im not sure if i got allof the take out i ateout because it is all the same color. but i think i got at least most anyway. ive hear there is a 20minute threshold and i didt make it within that so imnot sure if mybody already absorbed the calories or what? i am not sure. either way.. i feelgood about having gotten alot. but i think i probably could have done way morecos i didnt notice the soda..maybe it already digested since it was liquid. well either way i still hope im better off. but i'll bet i saved maybe 100 cals. i dont even know. thats why its sucha stupid thing to do anyway. most bulimics are normalweight.the only way to get skinny skinny by being bulimic is if you throw up every bite you eat i think. but that just wrecks your body inside. so wtf. how pointless is this little habit that ive had kicking around for 6 years. i just end up with missing enamel and who knows what else on the inside. i won't do this again. i won't. i really shouldn't... i cant say wont. id like to say it but i really cant.
oh and i need to quit smoking. after the pack i have. thats going to suck. i love smoking.
i am dreading my dr's appt on weds to see if im clinically depressed or w/e. blah. shes just going to think im like a hypochondriac and ill have to bring up all these retarded examples that really just wont show her what i really feel like. well im going anyway. whatever. im relieved that my best friend is coming with me. im not telling anyone else aboutit.though knowing me everyone will find out anyway.
i should just go stand on theroof and yell it out along with any and every dirty secret of mine. i need to learn to keepmy own damned secrets. what the fuck.
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